Raising assertive and confident kids

Let us begin with a quick definition, what exactly is assertiveness? The Cambridge Dictionary defines it as "the quality of being confident and not frightened to say what you want or believe."

In short, assertiveness lets us communicate our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions honestly and respectfully. Some people are born with this skill, but assertiveness needs to be (and should be) taught to young children. It enables them to be confident, respect boundaries, and stand up for themselves.

Aggressiveness and assertiveness often overlap. While both communication styles describe people speaking up for themselves, the primary difference is that an assertive person tries not to come across as offensive, rude, or arrogant.

Being assertive involves respecting people's feelings while still having a healthy debate. Think of it as being the middle ground between aggression and submission.

How can parents teach their children to be assertive?

Talk about what it means

Helping kids master assertiveness starts with understanding the concept. You can begin by explaining the passive, assertive, and aggressive communication styles and what they mean and entail. 

Think of communication as a long piece of thread. One end is complete submission–  passive, only ever spoken at, and never leading the conversation. The other end of this string is aggression, constantly lashing out and talking down to people. Assertiveness is somewhere in the middle. If your child is too young to understand, then model assertive behavior–which brings us to the next point.

Model assertive and confident behavior

Possibly, the best parental teaching tool is behavior modeling. Children learn by mirroring, and they'll slowly pick it up from you. Now, how do you model assertive and confident behavior? 

Well, for starters– 

• Talk about your feelings
• Use first-person statements, like 'I didn't like how you (insert behavior), and I felt (insert feeling)." 
• Stay calm
• Create boundaries 
• Make eye contact
• Teach when to say no

Listen actively

Encourage your child to speak their mind and listen actively. Acknowledge their feelings, and wait for them to ask for your opinion. Ignoring what they have to say or interrupting while they speak could discourage them.

It could get rooted in their minds that they're not allowed to speak or share their feelings with anyone, let alone you.

Define boundaries

The central part of teaching your kids to be assertive is to teach them about boundaries, including emotional and physical, be it at home, on the playground, or at school. Teaching children to create boundaries means teaching children to respect themselves and others. 

For example, start by showing fences and walls that keep us safe and secure. Personal and emotional boundaries work the same way. While teaching the importance of boundaries, teach them the power of 'no.' From saying 'no' to unwarranted hugs from relatives to doing something just because their friend asked them to, these are all crucial lessons for young children.

Have a democratic household

A great place for kids to learn to be assertive is at home. Conduct debates and family meetings where everyone speaks (you don't have to always agree with them). Watch out for domineering siblings who might try to suppress the voice of a shy child. When children realize their opinions matter, they're more likely to say what's on their minds and be comfortable speaking up.

Teaching your kids to become assertive takes time and practice. Modeling confident behavior while letting them communicate their feelings can also help them become assertive in the long run.

At byjuslearning.com, we provide curriculum-aligned, grade-level learning experiences for kids between ages 4 to 8, helping them build on skills they learn in school. 

Disclaimer: The information provided on this site is NOT medical advice and is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, provide medical or behavioral advice, treat, prevent, or cure any disease, condition, or behavior. You should consult with a qualified healthcare professional regarding your child’s development to make a medical diagnosis, determine a treatment for a medical condition, or obtain other related advice.